I feel like if I was skinnier and prettier we would’ve worked out
Everyday I wake up, saying "This is the day, this is the day I'm going to change my life, I'm going to eat better I'm going to excersize and I'm going to take today and build on it." But it never happens. I'll see that skinny girl walking around with short shorts and a crop top and her being so happy hand in hand with her boyfriend, confident, goodlooking, with no worrys in the world because she's skinny, she's normal, showing means nothing to her because she's comfrotable with what she has and she knows what she has to offer. She knows no one would even try and make fun of her for her body, because it's nearly perfect........ That's when I look in the mirror, I see a girl, with a pretty face and a cute smile and say "Todays gonna be a good day..." Then I look down. And all I see is an unattractive, fat body. My confedence goes down. I go out, Someone calls me fat and ugly..its normal so she say's fuck you, get a life. And continues on with my day. Someone calls her beautiful, I say thank you and appreciate the person's compliment.. And say to myself. Fuck all these haters, I'm beautiful, and continue on with my day. Then I get a thought. What if that person was saying that because they felt bad for me, because they see what that other person saw, but they feel bad telling me straight up.. Confidence goes down. I continue with my day.. I look at pictures I've recently taken, I see a girl, with a good smile, looks happy, looks confident, has a decent face.. Confidence goes up. Then I realize that on the outside that girl is happy, confident.. But deep down inside where only a couple people besides myself. knows she's not confident, she's not happy.
Then this wonderful guy comes along, he's cute, charming, caring, nice, and he's been through basically the same shit I have. He trys to help. They're on skype. She thinks its working..he convinces her that she is beautiful, and that she's not fat nor ugly, she believe's him 100% ... She gets it. He wants to see her "beautiful body".. She almost agrees.. But then she looks into that webcam and wonders.. What's if, what if he see's my stomach, what's if he realizes that what I have, isn't what the next girl will have, what if he doesn't like it. What if he thought wrong. What if he never talks to me again. What if he realizes that all those people were right.... What if. She says no. He convinces her that he's not done trying. He goes to bed. She stays up. Thinking. Regretting. Should I? Would he of cared? What if he takes my imperfections and says fuck everyone else, your imperfections make you you and you are beautiful. What if. She gets strong memories back.. 6th grade... First pool class of the year.. Swimm tests, in front of the whole class... Its her turn. She's hears whispers in the backround, laughing. She swims, the teacher tells her to go to the deap end. But she has to get out of the pool and walk there. She gets out, looks over at the rest of the class and sees them all staring, laughing, pointing. She shrugs it off. who cares what they think.. The year continues on, the same pool class, partners with the same boy. The same one that started all of the pointing, whispers and laughing. Back to reality, she opens her eyes. A tear runs down both cheeks. She remembers what that felt like. All that time trying to keep it in. But she can't anymore. She just blew her chance to get over all of these feelings, to change her life, to make herself feel worthy enough to be called beautiful and to be able to look in the mirror and say.. "I am beautiful". She blew her chance at a great friendship with a guy who finally cares, about her. About her feelings, about her life and her sanity, about her heart and her thoughts. She thinks about all this. She turns off her phone, turns to close her eyes to sleep. And she pictures him, holding her, because she's crying. Holding her because he cares. She opens her eyes, and more tears start to fall. And there that night, she crys herself to sleep. She crys because of the pain, the regret, and wondering. She prays to god that this wonderful guy will see past this, forgive her for her stupidity, keep her as a friend. She finally falls asleep. Hopeing and praying that tomorrow, will be a better day.
p.s. Thank you tumblr.. your always there when others arn't
The one that’s constantly on your mind. That one person you would always reply fast to. The one your friends hear about every day of their lives. The one you check up on every now and then just to see how their day is going. The one that makes your day, the one you’d do anything for. The one you smile non stop about. The one you can be your complete self around. The person you love more than anything.